i am actually a really shitty person and might just die today because i cant deal with the shame of being such a horrible student. what if i fail this class because i don’t make it anything close to a priority and it brings down my gpa so much i get kicked out of NHS like what the hell am i doing i am so dumb. if i do this essay, im not going to get any sleep tonight but i need to because i have a performance tomorrow but i cant tell which one is more important, my voice or my grade. holy frick. i am so stupid for doing this why did i put this off oh my god i hate this situation almost as much as i hate myself. why am i being such a stereotypical angsty teen. this stinks.

im sick and tired of taking pills.
vicodin
riddalin
codeine
ambien
sleeping pills
i don’t want it anymore.
right now is the first time ive taken vyvanse in a couple weeks
and all i want to do is cry and cut but i cant
because it isnt okay
and im not okay
and i want everyone to know that im not okay
because that’s the only way they can realize to stay away from me.

all i want is to be positive but it sucks that im jsut a moody teen who writes shit poetry with cliche indentations.
boo fucking yah
laugh, i dare you
it wouldnt really make any difference, we’d be doing it together

for the past month, i don’t know what’s been over me. im either really depressed and unmotivated or happy and unmotivated and right now is the first time i think ive just been really sad/ feeling something and i wanted to write for a couple weeks. i think right now is the first time i realized my writing is fueled by my indecision/conflicts and sadness. of course, ive been jotting down my thoughts and angry insults in my moleskine or else i may blow up in front of the entire school, but right now i just want to write the poetry i used to write in december.